I hate most restaurant reviews. They always use the same words, describing meat as “tender and succulent”, sauces as “delicate”, wine as “robust”, “young” or “lively”. For f**k’s sake, stop playing with your privates- you’re supposed to be describing food! Food can be described in very simple words. It can be s**t, it can average, it can be f***ing tasty, or one of several descriptions in between.
I swear that some of the jackoffs who write food reviews have never had proper sex in their lives. And I insist that in order to be able to enjoy food properly, one must also enjoy the remainder of life’s pleasures: music, art, adventure and- yes- even sex. Sex and food go hand in hand, not just in a “9 ½ Weeks”/ chocolate sauce/ strawberries/ cheese fondue (if you swing that way) kind of way, but both are pleasures of the flesh. And both can be very, very satisfying
Sometimes, the best sex is a quickie, rolling about on a couch on a rainy weekend, your sexual equivalent of a Happy Meal. Other times it is slow and luxurious and very expensive, not because you pay for it, but because you pay for all the other kinds of s**t that come before or with it (the jewellery, the drinks, the trinkets). Sometimes it gives you indigestion or worse. Sometimes you regret having it as soon as it’s over.
A note: Ramen noodles are the equivalent of a quick w**k. Preparing yourself some pasta and a slow cooked Bolognese sauce is the equivalent of a very slow one. The end result in both cases is the same. And if you cook at home, you have to clean up afterwards. Whether this involves washing up liquid or Kleenex is irrelevant; it’s still cleaning.
Why am I telling you all this? Because the guy who runs these pages- and he’s a wonderful guy, so I’m not going to let anyone diss him- suggested I write some restaurant reviews for you. So this is my way of introducing the whole concept. Over the next few days/weeks/ whenever I can be bothered, I will provide brief reviews of some restaurants I have tried recently, noting whether they are any good or totally s**t.
Some of you might ask: “why should we listen to this Hipster guy, despite the fact that he is cool, handsome and a domestic god”? I have no answer, really. You can take my advice any way you like. But if you do pay attention, together we can explore the culinary underbelly of Limassol and beyond and through it all- indigestion, terrible service, overcooked pasta- discover some hidden gems along the way.
I will begin next week or sooner with a review of the tavern and some expensive posh place. Watch this space.
Okay, you can stop watching now. Move along, there’s nothing to see. Just make sure you come back in a few days time.
(c) Hipster 2008- These are the thoughts and opinions of the author and do not reflect the agreement or the disagreement with them by OnThisIsland.com as a whole.